My Family and Friends

This topic is both easier and way more complicated.

My friends are beyond excited. There is truly no other way to describe it. They are all really happy for me. The Mister doesn't quite believe it but Jack is accepting in his own special way.

I really don't have any close family beyond my parents and my grandmother. My grandmother is a sweet ninety year old woman who is very nice and who I'm sure will be very happy for me. I called both my parents last weekend to tell them. Since I'm going to meet The Mister's family, I thought it was only fair and right of me to introduce him to my parents. Even though I really don't want to. So, we're going to my hometown in January. We're renting a car and staying in a hotel. So, I thought I should call my parents and be like "hey I'm bringing a guy home. I'm going to marry him."

I kind of knew what to expect, but, despite that, I was disappointed. I expected a few off the wall and derogatory comments from my mother, and I expected complete indifference from my father. I called my mother, she was really excited, and asked a bunch of questions. She then instructed me to not nag him and said "it's a good thing he's a counselor because he knows how to handle you." What? I get along with most everyone, and it says more about my mother that I can't get along with her than about me. So, that was somewhat painful. I then called my father. He, upon hearing my news, told me that the local football team had won their game that day. He also suggested that we not schedule the wedding during a certain month because he and his wife are planning a month long trip to Antarctica in early 2009, and they want to be able to do both events. He also said he would call me the next day to talk but they were going out for the evening. Not surprisingly, he didn't call the next day. Three days later, I got an email detailing the concert and play they had gone to that weekend, detailing an upcoming trip to Hawaii and another upcoming trip to China (they went last year), detailing their cat's birthday celebration, and detailing some work updates. About ten minutes later, I got another email congratulating me. That was about five days ago, and I haven't heard anything else from him.

I felt like I had to call him yesterday because it was his birthday. He said he hadn't opened the gift I had sent him and that they were about to leave for the day, but that he would call me later. Whatever. I don't even know why I bother. I must admit that I really, truly hope they are in Antarctica and will be unable to attend my wedding. That would just give me much less stress to deal with. I doubt I'll be that freaking lucky.

This whole trip to meet my parents in January is going to be uber-stressful. His parents are going on a trip with us in May to scout out sites, and I felt like I had to invite my parents. I mean, they'd be hurt, and I do want our parents to meet before the wedding. I think my mother will behave. My father's response when I gave him the dates in May when we will be travelling (ie non-negotiable "this is when we will be there" kind of dates) he said that would be fine as long as it didn't conflict with Activity X but that he didn't know when Activity X was going to occur but he'd get back to me. Needless to say, he hasn't told me when Activity X will be. Not that it matters but I was kind of curious as to how long it would take for him to get back to me. It is his typical manipulative behavior.

I absolutely refuse to accept money from my dad for my wedding. I doubt he'll even offer, but, if he does, I am not accepting it. The condition with The Mister's parents and my mom is that there be no strings attached, and we (The Mister and I) have absolute veto power. I actually am pretty sure my mom can stick to that because she doesn't like fighting with me. Even if my father says he there will be no strings, he'll remind me for the rest of my life that he contributed to the wedding, he'll bitch the whole fucking time about cost, and he will try to get bargain deals on everything and we'll be eating like fucking cold cuts at the reception. No fucking way.

My father has a lot of money – as evidenced by all the travelling he and his wife do as well as their gigantic three thousand square foot house. Which is fine but when I was growing up (despite all evidence to the contrary) he would always say that we were one step away from the poorhouse and he would never let us throw anything out or donate it to Goodwill or whatever. When my parents divorced, he got a very fair deal: he kept the house, he didn't have to pay alimony, and he only lost half of his retirement. He would call me every night crying, saying how he had nothing left. The best part of this was that he told my mother, if he paid her alimony, then he wouldn't be able to pay for my medical school. So, she opted to not accept alimony from him. Guess who ended up paying for medical school? Me. I paid for all of it. My mother makes a good salary (like about twice the national average) but there was no way she could pay for my graduate education. My father has been making about four times the national average for at least twenty years. I'm not so much bitter about the fact that I had to take out loans to pay for medical school, but more about the fact that he A) lied to mother and B) lied to me whenever I asked him about it. Like all through the summer before medical school started, I kept trying to pin him down on how much he was going to contribute. He said he had to figure it out and would get back to me. He of course never did.

I obviously have anger towards my father. He is emotionally bankrupt and not all that dependable. I mean, who would choose a fucking vacation over their only child's wedding? Antarctica will still be there in 2010. I just dread spending time with my dad at the wedding in general. And my dread would be magnified by like a thousand if I accepted any money from him because he would have no clue of who is charge. Hell, he doesn't have a clue who is in charge now. Maybe he is expressing no interest because he is afraid I'll ask him for money. Who knows?

Prior to telling my parents about us, I had alluded to The Mister that my parents were somewhat nuts. I also filled him in on some of my mother's most charming comments like "Do you ever feel like a moose?" and "I gave you your middle name because I was so excited to have a little girl who I could dress up and be friends with. And then I got you." Which is of course always followed by insane laughter. I'm kind of used to their behavior: it irritates me and makes me angry and hurts me but I'm not exactly surprised or all that riled up about it. I've pretty much decided that neither one of my parents will ever be alone with any child of mine because I don't know what either parent would say to my kids.

I keep forgetting how it sounds to someone who isn't so used to my family. The Mister has said – in several different ways – that my parents better not upset me or mess with the wedding. Which is really sweet. He doesn't mean he'll smack them (although that would be amusing) but I suspect he'll call them on their behavior if it gets too outrageous. I've just given up on it because it creates more chaos and angst for me.

I honestly wish there were some way to do this whole wedding thing without inviting or involving my parents. But that would involve eloping and I want my friends there and I want The Mister's friends and family there.

His Family and Friends

The Mister has some friends who live essentially in the same city but different suburbs. His family lives one state over. I haven't yet met his parents but will meet them over Thanksgiving. Oddly enough, I have no anxiety about meeting his parents. His parents, however, are very nervous about meeting me. I wish they weren't: I don't want them to be anxious. I think I'm really going to like them. They sound very nice and warm. I'm spending Christmas with his family which will be somewhat complicated because of my work schedule. I am on call the weekend before Christmas, have a half day on Christmas Eve, and then am on call the day after Christmas. I knew it would mean a lot to The Mister and his family and would be fun for me, so I'm flying out during the afternoon of Christmas Eve and returning the evening of Christmas day.

I also consider close friends as family. I've met some of his close friends, not all, but some. We went out to dinner with some of them Thursday night. It was fun but a bit exhausting for me. Spending time with groups of people whom I don't know is stressful for me. Interestingly enough, I find one couple very easy to spend time with, and the other is somewhat difficult for me. The Mister is hosting Thanksgiving this year for his close friends and his parents. He and his parents are renting a place one a lake, so about an hour from here. It has several bedrooms, and the guest list includes both couples from Thursday and another couple. I'm only spending part of the weekend; I just think spending the whole weekend is going to be too exhausting and stressful for me. It will be fun but a bit overwhelming, I think. We'll see. But currently my plan is to return home late on Friday. I just won't have space to get away from all the chaos while up there.

He also has a group of work friends whom I've met twice but whose names I don't really know. He hosted a football party last weekend, and they were all there. That was really hard because I don't know them, they know each other, and socialized with each other. Fortunately, another friend of The Mister's (another Jessica) was there. I had met her the weekend before, so we were able to chat and talk. But the work friends stress me out.

The close friends will be invited to the wedding, but fortunately my friends will be there as well, I'll hopefully know them better at that point, and I'll have my own space (ie hotel room) in which I can recharge.

His family and friends are infinitely more manageable than my family.

Challenges

The Mister and I are a lot alike. But we aren't identical and there are some points along the way that I can identify as challenges. I actually saw my psychiatrist this week, and he asked me about challenges. Some seem easy, some I had thought about before, some I hadn't really identified until recently. They are all infinitely workable.

One is that I am an organization freak, and he is not. That seems easy because I'll become messier, and he'll become a bit neater.

Along those lines, I am a planner. He has kind of said that I am in charge of making most decisions. Which is fine and not fine. Sometimes I can't tell if he wants to do nothing or if he wants me to decide what to do. Also, sometimes, I don't want to make the decision, and, when I throw it back to him, he doesn't want to either. I think this is easily workable with good communication.

He is allergic to cats and dogs: both are level three's on skin testing. Apparently the scale is no reaction to a four. He is most allergic to some plants and pollens and will be starting allergy shots soon. It is kind of hard now because of Jack. Jack has the run of my house and medium length fur, but The Mister can tolerate him and can tolerate spending a weekend with a male friend who has two cats with longer hair than Jack. We aren't going to move in together until at least a year from now, and we'll move into his house. I think it will be workable with Jack. Honestly, I'm not even sure Jack will be alive then: he's eleven years old now, morbidly obese, and has had kidney problems for about a year. I just hate thinking about it, but, well, I won't have him forever. So, strictly speaking, living with a cat would be a short term situation. Except The Mister seems set on getting a dog (or two) and seems quite ok with getting a cat (or two). Jack would never accept a dog, but I think a dog and a cat would accept each other if we got them as puppies and kittens and they grew up together. As for dog breeds, I really don't want a yippy dog and neither of us want a hyper dog. I might get to fulfill my lifelong dream of getting a Saint Bernard. If he weren't as allergic to dogs as cats, I'd say that we should just get a dog, but he's equally allergic. And he grew up with golden retrievers before being on any allergy meds, so I think it will be ok and so does his allergist.

Neither one of us is exactly frugal with our money. I could – and should – save more than I do. But I have a good job, I have little debt (except for the mortgage and my medical school loans), and if I want to spend ninety dollars on a pair of shoes then I can. He spends a bit more freely than I do, and I can imagine that might be a problem. My goal is not to nag him about it, and, again, as long as we talk about this as it comes up after we merge our finances, it should be alright. I wouldn't describe myself as cheap or frugal (not by any stretch of the imagination).

I think the biggest challenge (at least the one that I see at this point) is the social aspect of things. We are both only children and very solitary creatures who need time to recharge. Neither one of us is a social butterfly, but he is definitely more social that I am. He likes to entertain and to host parties: either work get-togethers or have friends over for the whole weekend. I can see that as a problem for me. Like when we're living together, if he has people over for the weekend, then I can't really "escape." Parties here and there are manageable and doable. But having one or two couples over for the whole weekend on a regular basis might stress me out. Again, it's a matter of communication and talking about it.

All of these are imminently manageable.

Our Plans

I have found it’s really hard to keep my blog updated when I’ve been so busy and so tired. Like I have been running around and being social, so when I get home I have laundry and email and other things to catch up on.

The Mister sent me some lovely flowers (a bouquet of Alstromerias) at work a few weeks ago. It was so sweet and just made my day; he sent them on a post-call day during a busy week, and they just made me smile each time I looked at them.

The Mister and I picked out and ordered my engagement ring this week. I love it: platinum, filigreed, and overall just lovely. We had a small bump in terms of diamond shape, but the jeweler came up with a lovely solution. I am so excited about this ring. I had never imagined that I would like a piece of jewelry so much and that I would be so excited about it. I am not a jewelry wearer: I always wear a watch and occasionally a Judaic themed necklace or bracelet. But nothing on a daily basis. I can’t wait to wear this ring. Certainly, it is what the ring symbolizes – love, commitment, a lifetime – but I like how it looks. A lot. It will be ready in about three weeks, and then we need to pick the center diamond. It comes with both sides and the channels, but we pick out the center. So, I suspect it will be completely ready in about four weeks. I don’t know when I am getting it or how, but I suspect it will be in December. I want to pick out and order some pretty engagement announcements (Greeting Card Universe has some lovely, unique ones). We’ll order them soon.

We’re planning an early 2009 wedding. It is going to be a destination wedding for a multitude of reasons. The destination comes with a wedding planner, and everything (from table linens to catering) is taken care of which cuts waaaaaaay down on my stress level. It will also be fun and self-contained for the guests: they can do lots of stuff in a small radius and can make a real vacation out of it. It also cuts down on obligatory guests: work people, casual friends who would drive a short distance for a wedding but wouldn’t book a plane ticket and several nights at a hotel. So, it allows us to make it more intimate and personal. It also keeps costs down for us: neither one of us want to spend more than fifteen thousand dollars on the ceremony/reception and I think we’ll come in really close to that.

I am beyond excited about this. I never thought I would find someone who feels so right and with whom I can totally imagine spending my whole life.

I can’t wait for my our late winter trip to Cabo.

The Weekend

The Mister and I had a nice weekend. We rented a cabin with a fireplace and a gourmet kitchen. The Mister made an excellent dinner on Friday night: salmon in a honey and soy sauce marinade, provencial tomatoes, and peppers stuffed with goat cheese. We shopped on Saturday, I got a hot stone massage, and we had a delicious meal out on Saturday night. He cooked french toast made with challah both mornings, and then we headed back on Sunday. It was really nice to relax and getaway. I had never realized how attached he is to his internet enabled pocket PC and to the internet. He brought his laptop with him and almost had a meltdown when he realized that the wireless internet was a bit shaky over the weekend. Fortunately, he had his phone, so he could check his email. I don't know what he is going to do in Mexico in the spring. He assures me that he will be able to survive without the laptop and readily available internet access.

In other news...I broke down and bought a internet enabled, Windows mobile, Mogul phone. I don't quite have my email account sending properly, but it is receiving emails for me. I love it: it allows me to bypass the firewalls at work and check my personal email. Plus it will be a new source of amusement in waiting rooms. I am just so thrilled to have a replacement for my good old Palm Pilot: my old died over a year ago, and I never got around to buying a replacement. I love being free of the paper calendar and addressbook.

History and Complexity

Thanks to Leah for the quiz!











For all my starry-eyed gushing and swooning, I am a realist. Both the Mister and I have histories. I would like to think in previous relationships that I made good decisions and got out when I should. I know that's not entirely true because I am a bit of a coward and probably dragged out the end more than I should have because I couldn't "find the right time" to end things. My last serious relationship (ie lasting more than four weeks) was well over two years ago.

The Mister's last serious relationship (lasted about two years) ended this past spring. That, in and of itself, really didn't give me pause. He has been very upfront about it, about having gone of Eharmony to satisfy his friends and not expecting to find anyone, and the how and the why of that relationship with (let's say) Bonnie. What did give me pause, initially, was a concern that he was serially in relationships, never on his own, but unable to commit. I don't think that's the case at all since he had been single for several years prior to Bonnie. But anyways he and Bonnie moved here together at about the same time I did: he bought a house, she lived there. They knew no one initially and were each other's primary supports. It sounds like she was supremely unhappy.

Over the past week, history has been colliding with us. Bonnie came by to pick up the last of her stuff on Sunday and apparently had a total meltdown while there. The Mister is afterall a therapist, and he tried to talk to her and figure out what was going on. Which, it sounds like, just made it worse. She wants to be friends, he doesn't. She is apparently still supremely unhappy. I'm honestly not threatened by her because he has no interest in returning to that relationship.

Then, last night, the phone rang. He looked at caller ID, swore, and said he would have to deal with it later. He was pretty irritated, so I of course asked what was up. It was (shall we say) Jenna. He dated her for six months while they were in college; after they broke up, he had to change his phone number. Then, this past August, Eharmony matched them. As he put it, she told him all the right things: that she had done alot of work, was healthy, etc. He went on one date with her in August, she invited him home for sex (by the way her ex-boyfriend was still living with her), he declined, she called him three times that same night, and he called her the next day, saying he wasn't at all interested. She has apparently been calling him and leaving messages on a regular basis since that point.

Again, I don't feel threatened in a "she's going to take the Mister from me" way, but it honestly does make me feel a little uneasy about his relationship decisions. We talked about this last night. He has said that he, in the past, has chosen women who need to be rescued or saved, and that they really weren't into him, but he was into them. I worry - alot - that there is something in me that needs saving and that is what he is attracted to. I asked him this point blank last night, and he gave me a really good, multi-part answer that assuaged my anxiety on that point. I like the Mister - actually I like him tons (I don't know why I am so hesitant to say that I love him because I do) and way more than any other guy I have dated - and I am scared his relationship judgment is off with me. If that makes sense. It has been off with other women. I would though like to think that the work he has done in therapy has fine tuned that judgment. He very frankly has said this is the healthiest he has ever been, and I can say the same for myself.

I just really, really hope we are both right on that.

I really have to go pack. I'm leaving in an hour for another weekend trip. Back Sunday!

CrazyRomantic, Part II

Granted, this is premature, but, once I started thinking about it, I started googling. I am afterall on vacation and have time to spare. Wait, I should be packing. Anyways...

After some thinking and re-thinking...I like these two rings:




Both rings are pretty and simple.

I have also been looking at tons of images of bridesmaid dresses: floorlength, champagne or buff colored, strapless or with spaghetti straps. Simple is the key word.







I also found a great online invitation and save the date card company. They have adorable stationery, and the ordering process seems simple.




Yes, this is premature. And yes I am insane.

Maybe I Am a Romantic

I have never been the kind of woman who dreams of her wedding or who has been planning it in her head since childhood. I have friends who have their weddings all planned out before they even meet the groom, and I never understood it. At times, I wished I were one of them, I felt like I wasn't romantic enough or like I was just too practical to have a wedding. But lately I have been making wedding lists in my head and shopping for engagement rings.

The Mister (I like this better than Psych: thanks to the ER doc who came up with that for me) and I had a talk a few nights ago. He told me that I am in charge of the "timeline" because if it were up to him he already would have proposed and we'd be getting married soon. He was half joking because rationally we both know dating and so forth is the best way to start integrating two lives and rushing into a marriage forces that integration.

We have been spending tons of time together which is unusual for both of us because we're both only children and, in the past, have needed tons of alone time. Last night he grilled, we had wine, we watched TV. It was incredibly fun and peaceful. We are taking a weekend trip together soon which will be excellent. I, in an unprecedented move, invited him to join me in Cabo this spring. I knew I would miss him tons and that I would have a better time if he were with me. So, last night, we called and added him to my room reservation. We tried to book him an upgraded first class ticket, but there isn't space for him. Sadly, we will fly in different cabins, but at least we're on the same flight. In past relationships, there was no way that I would take the chance of booking a joint vacation this far in advance because I would have no idea if we would still be together or not. I don't have that sense of uncertainty with the Mister.

I also believe that Jack, in his own way, approves. He is not a people person and really I am the only one that he likes. He tends to hiss at anyone else and doesn't befriend other people (except for C who really dislikes cats). But he has gone up to the Mister and sniffed him twice. Last week, he even jumped up on the chaise where the Mister was and sat down for about five minutes. That was a huge breakthrough. My advice to the Mister is to ignore him and not try to woo him because cats interpret being ignored as submissive behavior. If Jack senses the Mister is being submissive, then he won't sense the Mister as a threat.

I am on vacation for this whole week. I was out of town this past weekend (had a fab trip with C: movies, eating, shopping) and have another weekend trip starting tomorrow.

This has left me with alot of time to think. I have essentially decided on an engagement ring: platinum band with flanking small baguette cut diamonds and a center sapphire (I love the color, am not a huge diamond fan, and sapphire is the birthstone of September which is when the Mister and I met). I spent about two hours yesterday in Barnes and Noble getting a sense for which wedding planning book would be best (I really need one of these checklist types of books because I am clueless about this process). I particularly like the Anti-Bride Wedding Planner and the Working Woman's Wedding Planner. As for the wedding, I see no need for flowers beyond small bouquets. I will not wear white, a headdress veil, or a train. I think an ideal dress for me would be a bridesmaid dress: spaghetti straps, floor length, simple, and something in the taupe or mocha family. I will not be given away, we will have simple but classic invitations. I will have C as my virgin maid of honor, and J will be another bridesmaid. We both want a very small wedding minus "obligatory guests" which essentially rules out a local site or our "home" sites, and I suspect he has a location picked out (a site related to the University which he and his family attended). Food and wine of course would be excellent, and I imagine we would top out around seventy guests. We really wouldn't need to register for anything, but I would like to register for some kind of china and nice flatwear because we would use them and I would never buy them for myself.

That's really as far as I have gotten in planning this event. I'm kind of surprised I've gotten that far.

The Mister

Things are going really well here. Psych and I are immensely compatible and have been spending alot of time together. I really think he is totally for me. Which is amazing.

I'm on vacation and about ready to leave for a few days.

I'm also recovering from food poisoning. Like Exorcist level projectile puking and explosive lower GI stuff not good. Psych drove me to the ER (I was totally dehydrated) and stayed with me the whole time; he took excellent care of me the whole 24 hours while I was sick. The ER doc said to him "and you must be the Mister." Which was pretty funny.

I fortuitously took today off. I slept for 15 hours last night. And am craving my morning coffee which is a very positive sign.

The Wild Hordes

Either my patience is shorter today or else the Christmas shopping insanity has begun. After going to the gym, I started running some little errands, like buying mocha tights and new wine bottle stoppers and some groceries. This resulted in stopping at about four or so stores.

First, I went to a local discount store, the type where someone can find past season designer stuff at a discount. They had Halloween stuff all over the place as well as some Christmas stuff. I bought some really nice wine stoppers and moved on.

My next stop was Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I don't know what month they think it is, but all the Halloween stuff is on final clearance and the place was filled with Christmas stuff. They had one Chanukah display. I am all about supporting the sale of Jewish items (I even bought a Chanukah gift wrap set from one of the nurse's kid's school fundraiser), so I bought a pretty serving platter and a box of candles for my menorah. I didn't need the former but I was going to buy the latter eventually. It seems too early to buy gelt but I will eventually stockup on bags of gelt to take to work. When I got up to the registers, someone cut in front of me.

Then, I went to Kohl's to buy mocha tights. There were three registers: one with a gigantic line, and the other two had like one person in each line. The shorter lines were waiting for signifcant others to return to the registers with other items. Like who ties up an entire line while their husband went back to grab more ornaments? Hello?

In other, non-kvetching news...I am like a teenager. I am giddy over psych, and I cannot wait for him to call me later today after his houseguests leave. Who is this thirteen year-old in my brain?

Lazy Sunday

I am having a very relaxing Sunday morning: I slept in, am having coffee, and am watching my Tivo'd episode of 20/20 with Jenna Bush from Friday night. She seems like a very nice, earnest young woman.

My mom bought a new computer Friday. I generally am anti-Best Buy Geek Squad, but I was fully for them helping her set up the new computer. She called me a few days before she bought it, asking me "what does it mean when it asks me if I want to boot from DOS?" Which she pronounced not as "disk operating system" but as in the Spanish dos. I thought my mom was technically inept, but as I told Psych this story, he had a topper. He worked at a computer place in college, and this woman brought in a computer and said "The coffee holder broke off. Can you replace it?" He said "what?" And she said "You know, the coffee holder. You push the button and it pops out and you put your coffee on it." I just busted out laughing.

Psych and I had a delightful time on Thursday night. We had sandwiches, and we ended up not going to Take Back the Night. We instead came back to my house and watched some TV. It was fantastically laid back. Friday night we had amazing sangria and tapas. It was just so much fun. Last night, he had two friends from graduate school staying with him, and I went over for dinner (he made paella) and a movie. His friends are nice, and, again, it was fun.

I found out something interesting about him. He had been in a relationship for two years, and it just ended four months ago. I was really surprised. He asked me what I thought about it. I said that I was surprised he got back into dating so quickly. He said his friends convinced him to join eharmony, and that he had no intent of actually dating someone until I emailed him. Which seems like a line but it is actually very Psych. Very honest and open. Or as he would say "transparent." It doesn't necessarily change anything but I must admit last night I was thinking about what his friends must be thinking. That they had done the dinner party with this other woman, who was also a grad school classmate of theirs, and now she is gone. And here I am. I'm hoping he'll call me today after they leave, and then we can talk a bit about it. It was just a surprise.

On Friday, he asked me if I would loan him some books on Judaism. I was going to loan him some of mine, but I went out and bought three books for him. I bought a Teluskin, a Diamant (Living a Jewish Life, not Choosing a Jewish Life), and a cookbook. He loves cooking and food. And I found this cookbook that has text and history interspersed with the recipes. I thought that would be a perfect mix for him. I seriously cannot wait to give them to him. I think it's very sweet he wants the books, but I don't want to be too whatever because I don't want him to feel anything other than encouragement from me.

I just have such a good time with him. It's comfortable and easy. In every other relationship that I've been in, I need a huge amount of personal time and space, but I don't have that need with him. Which is both fascinating (from an objective standpoint) and scary (from a "what does this mean about how I feel about Psych"). But it's very good. I just cannot wait to spend time with him again. I can't wait to talk to him again. And I think it's very, very mutual. Well, I'm actually very certain.

It's been almost three full weeks since I've seen the scruffy hippy. And I am going to have a huge amount of stuff to update him on when I see him this week.

huh

It amazes me what drives me crazy some times. I was on call last night. Getting paged by a primary MD about seeing a patient at 3am didn't bother me so much, getting paged by the operator an hour later to tell me that the primary MD wanted me to see the patient didn't bother me. But when I got up and 5:30 and realized I hadn't laid my clothes out for today, I started to swear like a sailor. Jack just looked at me from the bed, rolled over, and started to purr. Gotta love cats.

Needless to say, I am kind of tired this afternoon.

Sick

First, I am just not going to hunt through my blog deleting spam comments or comments calling me vapid and shallow. Hence, a newly used function on my blog known as comment moderation. Sorry to all like six of my regular readers.

Second, I hate being sick. I have this cold which is just making me miserable. Fortunately, it's just a virus and will be gone in a few days. And luckily my last two patients of the morning cancelled, so I am now at home for a long lunch which is really nice.

Finally...Psych updates. Warning: more kvelling ahead which I realize is likely only interesting to me. But whatever.

I appreciate everyone's comments and input on interfaith relationships and so forth. I must admit I did not appreciate comments which felt condescending but, well, that's the risk of putting a blog out there. I do obviously get irritated but I only delete the comments that are offensive (ie calling me shallow and vapid).

We had a lovely, laid-back time on Sunday night. We played a board game, had delicious pizza, he secured my wireless network for me, and we watched some TV. It was nice. He called me last night after he night class (he teaches one class per semester and it's an evening class), and we talked for about an hour. We're planning sandwiches and then attending Take Back the Night on Thursday; that was his suggestion, and I'm interested in going because I haven't been to one since college. So, I think it was fabulous suggestion on his part. Then on Friday we are going out for tapas and sangria which I totally love. It's great we have the same taste in food: adventurous, spicy, and varied. It's also really great that he says things like "I was kind of nervous about this date...what about you?" He is great about being honest about how he is feeling and what he is thinking; his "getting it out there" then lets me be honest. I don't think I could start those conversations BUT if he starts them, then I do well with the topic. It is just so refreshing. He just feels comfortable.

He brought up the topic of religion last night. He actually started by asking if it was acceptable for non-Jews to go to services. I of course said "yes," and that when he was ready to go, then he could go with me. And that I'd very much enjoy it. I also pointed out that there is a fabulous sushi place about five minutes from my synagogue. He asked what the synagogue looked like, and I finally got that he was asking about the presence or absence of iconography. We had talked a bit how he was raised Catholic, but it seems to me that he isn't entirely ready to go into details. He states very firmly he can never step foot in a Catholic church again. He also said some churches just remind him to much of the Church, and he has a really hard time with that. I reassured him that there was no iconography, that since my synagogue is reform he doesn't have to grab a kippah, that all he has to do is stand when everyone else stands and sits when everyone else sits. I reassured him that he'll blend in, that there are tons of interfaith couples/families in both my chavurah and my synagogue, and that I'll explain everything to him. It was sweet of him. I am also curious about the Catholicism thing, but it is pretty clear he isn't ready to elaborate. I think I know him well enough to know that he'll tell me when he is ready.

He just feels comfortable. I know that sounds boring but to me feeling comfortable in a relationship is novel and exactly what I am looking for. Maybe companionable is a better word.

Are these girls retarded?

I file all my blog pictures or icons in easily named folders like "dating." I tossed this picture of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in my "critters" folder. So, as promised in my last post, here are some comments on this week's episode of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team.

Both quotes are from a question and answer session.

Question: What do you think of Hillary Clinton running for president?
Answer: Well, just like the Navy Seals, I feel better with men in certain positions.

Question: What do you think of Condoleezza Rice running for president?
Answer: Well, I don't know much about him, but I wish him lots of luck.

Psych is coming over tonight for board games and pizza.

Wait...that was a second date?

First, real quick, I hope everyone had an easy fast. My Yom Kippur flew: I carpooled to services with two people (which was just plain nice). I read a bit when I got home. And then it was time for my date.

Psych and I were debating if last night was our second or third date. We decided coffee didn't really count, so last night was our second date.

It was an amazing second date. I arrived at around five. He also loves Dar Williams and the Indigo girls; so he put some of them on along with Diana Krall (his pick) and Lucy Kaplansky (my pick). His house is just adorable: he obviously spends a huge amount of time in his kitchen because it is jam packed with small appliances and food. He has the whole place wired for sound, and his three tivo's are networked together. He has outdoor speakers and a firepit.

We started with water and cheese with crackers. Then, we opened the bottle of Barkan reserve cabernet sauvignon and talked for about an hour; then we started cooking dinner and talked some more. Dinner was fantastic: it was a whole wheat penne pasta with chicken and this amazing combination of spices and onion and whatever. Dessert was a molten lava cake thing with real whipped cream. We debated watching Passion Fish with the brilliant Mary McDonnell but decided on a Tivo'd episode of Bill Maher.

Once again, conversation flowed and was easy. I feel totally comfortable with him. He said he was still feeling a little bit anxious but I said most of my anxiety was wiped out after our dinner the other night. I definitely think both of our anxiety comes from not wanting to mess this up. We talked alot about what we each wanted, our personalities in relationships, and stuff. We also talked more about movies discovered we both think Clue and Very Bad Things are hilarious flicks. He also has a total crush on Janeane Garofalo, but she looked terrible when we watched her last night on Bill Maher. We are both ambivalent on having kids: I love the idea of kids, but I right now cannot imagine the reality of having children. I imagine with time in a relationship the ambivalence will either dissipate or crystallize for both of us. I also discovered that he too always has on background noise, either from the TV or music. Which I find very interesting: we are both only children, and I always thought it was weird that I had to have background noise, since I should (as an only child) be used to quiet. He is also ok with my somewhat dominant personality; he actually said he isn't very decisive about certain things (like what time I came over yesterday) so it's good that I am. I do know that I need to watch that though because I know I can be like a bull at times. We also mocked other matches from eHarmony that we had received, and I made fun of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader girls (this week's episode was hysterical but that's a whole different post). We were having dessert, and he was started to say something, but then said "this usually freaks women out." And I did something stupid with my spoon to make him laugh. He said he doesn't date people who aren't marriage material, that it doesn't mean he wants to get married right away but he won't waste his time on someone whom he knows he won't marry. As I told him, that is my philosophy as well.

He is really good at talking about important things. Which makes sense given what he does for a living. It is such a nice thing. And I'm really glad he is good at it because I can be good at it but I need someone who is better at it than me to get me started. I mean, we have had amazing in depth conversations about ourselves and our lives and what we want. I honestly never thought I'd be able to do this, but I actually can. And I am almost shocked that I can.

Orieyenta asked me a very good question on my previous post: is he Jewish? I have very few absolutes: non-smoker, smart, nice, not a transexual, and not a member of the Religious Reich. I realize some of those are nebulous. After confirming the absolutes, I just go with my instinct. It would be really, really nice to date and to marry another Jew. Psych is agnostic and has no problem with my being Jewish. He's very interested in it and uses free reign to ask me about it. At dinner on Wednesday, he asked me if my partner had to be Jewish. I told him I'd be lying if I'd have a hard time not having a traditional Jewish wedding with a Rabbi, but that I would never give up my religion for someone else and I would never demand someone convert for me. I did say my kids would absolutely have to be raised Jewish. I asked him last night where he was with religion and how he conceptualized where his spirituality is. He was raised Catholic but states that he (for many reasons) will not return to Catholicism. He said that he assumed whoever he partnered with (I love how he uses that as a verb) would bring her own religion into the relationship with her. I can't remember exactly how he put it, but he asked if I would have an "agenda" with my religion (he really is good at asking questions). I was honest: I would have no intent of pressuring him to convert, that my answers to his questions about Judaism would be without a subtext, but that I'd be lying if I didn't want my partner to go to some services with me. That I'd be ok if I went solo, but I would want my partner to go with me at times. He said "well, of course, you'd want him to share that with you." Essentially, do I wish he were Jewish? Yes. Am I going to get rid of a guy who is otherwise near perfect because he's agnostic? Hell, no.

We ate outside; he lit the tiki torches, and his outside speakers kept the music on. (but it was not blaring, it was simply background). By this point, we were on the second bottle of wine. It was delightful. And hilarious: the wildlife was a bit angry last night. There were two birds who sounded very upset and shared their displeasure with the neighborhood. The most hilarious piece was this hellion from next door who couldn't have been more than seven years old. It was getting dark, and this kid started yelling over the fence for us to stop talking. Which of course made us talk louder and goaded me into laughing really loudly. He kept screaming at us, and at one point he yelled "it's five am, people are trying to sleep, I'm going to call the police." At which point, I made a very loud comment about how I felt ambivalent about having children, and my children would know how to tell time (because it was eight pm). Psych made a loud comment about lack of parental supervision and how it was five am somewhere in Eastern Europe. Then, this kid yelled "shut up assholes and bitches." We both started laughing hysterically. It was one those classic moments that makes an incredibly funny dating story.

Bean- I realize this may make me sound like a shameless hussy, but I myself have confirmed that he was definitely born a male. Added at 10pm: We did not "boink" as Bean put it. I'm just saying.

Off the market

I am so off the market. Which I know is a dramatic statement given that I have had one coffee date and one dinner date with Psych. But I am totally off the market.

We spent three hours at a really nice restaurant. We spent the first hour just drinking wine and talking, like we didn't even open the menus. Then we had cheese board, soup, main course, and split dessert.

Conversation flowed, it was easy, and we have so much in common. We both have placed Battlestar Galactica at the top of our Tivo lists. We like similar music: he actually likes Dar Williams and the Indigo Girls. We both had an excellent time. It just felt so nice. We talked about what we were each looking for, what our relationship weaknesses were, what we had imagined our weddings to be like, and so forth. The honesty was just like so refreshing and it felt easy.

We hugged in the parking lot, and it was pretty clear that we were each going through "hmm...a kiss, a hug, a handshake" type of thinking. At any rate, he is cooking for me on Saturday night. I'm taking over wine and a few movies. I am really into this. And it is so fun.

dating

I so do not understand this

My office has about thirty or thirty five people in it; this includes the front desk people, the hall people, the phone call people, the referral/scheduling people, and the doctors. I would say we are pretty close for being an office. If that makes sense.

I was looking for one of our schedulers today. Because it's virtually impossible to keep a secret, I found out immediately where she was. Her five year tried to kill himself on Monday. That's right: a five year old. My first reaction was "it had to have been some kind of accident that looked like suicide attempt." The front desk people then informed me that the kid had been kicked out of school for behavioral issues (part of me is like "what kind of behavioral issues can a five year old have") and, when they found him, he said he wanted to die because no one liked him at school, and he wanted to join his dog in heaven. She was gone this morning to at a psychiatrist's appointment.

I just don't get how a five year can come up with the concept of wanting to die. And I don't get how a five year old would be able to try to execute any sort of plan. I mean, I don't know how he made the attempt, but it would have involved at least a two or three step process. And I just didn't think five year olds had that kind of planning capacity.

I also don't get why the parents didn't take him to the emergency room because I'd like to think that's what I would have done: like even if he was fine physically, a trip to the ER would have ensured immediate psychiatric care rather than waiting two days to see someone. I don't think there are any major abuse issues or whatever within the scheduler's family. I mean, she seems normal. But that really means nothing.

I really just don't get this one. At all. I mean, seriously.

"I found the male version of me"

I totally overslept this morning. I have no idea why I am updating my blog when I should be at the gym or doing laundry or at the grocery store or making four loaves of round challah or making kung pao chicken. Instead, I am drinking coffee with my cat, listening to Dar Wiliams, reading the Jpost and CNN, and updating my blog.

Madonna Esther (who has not actually converted to Judaism but loooooooves Kaballah) is in Israel for some sort of Kaballah conference and met Shimon Peres who gave her a copy of "the Old Testament" (according to CNN) and she gave him a copy of the Zohar. They then talked about the peace process. I want to know what the fuck kind of insights Madonna has about Israel and the Middle East that Shimon Peres is not privvy too? I mean, after all, he's just the President of Israel and has been active in Israeli politics for like sixty years. I must agree with Orthodox Jews on this one: the adoption of Kabbalah by non-Jewish pop stars is an abomination. And Madonna is the worst offender.

I had a lovely time at coffee with Psych yesterday. We talked for about ninty minutes and have set up dinner at a mutually favorite restaurant on Wednesday. After leaving, I left a message for my friend J (who is a psychiatrist) and said "Tell me I am crazy. I have met the male version of me, and I am going to marry him." When she called back, she congratulated me on leaving a voicemail that rivals her own voicemails in terms of sheer insanity. He is thirty years old, has lived here for a little over a year, is an only child, has three Tivo's, loves TV, loves Netflix, loves travelling in style, loves the Food Network (and dreams of taking a Bon Appetit vacation or cruise), and he seems like a homebody. He has a house with a fire pit. He also said he hates playing dating games (I totally agree), and he is tired of feeling like he has re-vamp himself for dating purposes. He is who is he is, and said he'd rather be single that settle. The conversation was easy and flowed both ways. He admitted up front that he was nervous, and I agreed that I was nervous too. And at the end, we both (genuinely) said we had had a good time. I feel really good about this one!

As I told Zwerver yesterday, I really don't want to fuck this up. She of course gave me very sage advice. But I really don't want to fuck this up.

dating eharmony kaballah madonna

I like lipstick...

...on my dipstick. On my way to the gym, I was stuck behind a huge red pickup bearing that bumper sticker along with a US Marine Corps sticker. I just don't understand if he really thinks he will get a date by posting that on his truck. I also wonder if he has a girlfriend or wife and what she thinks of that bumper sticker. I was just shocked that some slack jawed yokel would put that on their car.

While flipping through the channels last night, I discovered that the second season of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team started last evening. I have a very bizarre obsession with this particular reality show. Granted they work really hard, but most of these young women are dumber than stones. I am just so appalled that all these young women who proclaim that being a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader is their life dream. They make around 25 dollars per game and are not paid for practice time. It is just so wrong on so many levels.

dallas cowboy cheerleader dcc redneck

A goyishe new year

I really don't know what to think of this. I am trying to not be judgmental, but I think this is, well, weird.

An acquaintance (one of the other MD's and a non-Jew) asked me what I was going to do with my time off this week. I said that I would be celebrating the Jewish New Year. He said he would be too. I knew he wasn't Jewish, so I asked him if he was dating a Jewish woman. He said he wasn't, but that he was leading a spiritual group. They were going to meet tonight (so, on night two of Rosh Hashanah) and were going to celebrate. He said a group member was doing some research. I suggested taking apples and honey which he said he already knew about. He said they were going to cast the apples into the river (which I assume is to represent Tashlich), and they were each going to have candles and light a bonfire as a group. I assume that is to represent kindling the candles for any Yom Tov or Shabbat.

I can only assume there are no Jews in the group. Or at least no observant Jews.

I just don't know what to think of this. It seems really weird to me to think of a herd of non-Jews "celebrating" Rosh Hashanah when they are, well, not Jewish and could clearly use a little bit more direction about Jewish tradition. Part of me is kind of offended that they are, well, co-opting some Jewish tradtions, but at the same time the concepts of renewal, return, and forgiveness are universal and certainly not the sole domain of Judaism. And I guess part of me is somewhat flattered that they are honoring Christianity's Jewish roots.

Although I must admit I find the mental image of a bunch of people chucking apples into the river hilarious. I actually drove around the nearest and most popular riverside parks at sundown to see if I could spot them. But alas I couldn't.

goyishe

L'Shanah Tovah

I realize my new year's greeting is a bit tardy but oh well. I had a pretty busy weekend of call and was on call on Tuesday. Wednesday (yesterday) was my half day; I took in apples and honey to work. Which led to some explaining on my part about Rosh Hashanah but that's ok. I am baking four loaves of round challah this weekend for work; once the nurses realized this was holiday that led to my bringing the challah last year, they have been asking when I am baking it and how many loaves I intend to bring in.

I took a long nap before going to services last night. I realized I feel very settled here because I went to services by myself last night, surveyed the sanctuary, and joined people I knew for Erev Rosh Hashanah services. It was nice to have familiar people to chit chat with before services. I love the liturgy of the High Holidays.

After services last night, I watched Top Chef; I had intended to wait to watch it, but I simply couldn't wait. I had never understood other people's obsessions with American Idol or Survivor, but, now that I am into Top Chef, I completely understand the reality show obsession. I'd bet that Casey and Hung end up in the final. I woke up really early this morning, so I made coffee, and I watched an Al Franken documentary (ironically for today) entitled God Spoke. I really get a kick out of him; I've seen him speak a few times at book signings, and he is just freaking hilarious. I really hope he wins his campaign for senate.

Then I trooped off for morning services. And took yet another nap this afternoon before Tashlich. Even though I don't go to services on the second day of Rosh Hashanah, I took tomorrow off.

I think the guy from Eharmony and I are set for a coffee meeting/date this weekend. I need to come up with some sort of nickname for him. I was going to use PhD but Orieyenta uses that for her guy. Let's call him Psych. I have a really good feeling about this one.

al franken dating eharmony rosh hashanah

Monday. Or something.

Those are my patent red Steve Madden maryjane shoes. They look awesome on and are comfortable as long as I don't do alot of walking. My feet are killing me right now. Ah the price of beauty.

In actual news...I have ventured back into the world of online dating. I am giving Eharmony a try because frankly I was tired of old men emailing me all the time from jdate and match.com. I am excited and very very interested in a guy! Hopefully, he is not a transexual. But what are the odds of that happening again? He loves to cook, he loves sushi and Indian food, he is a PhD level psychologist, and I feel a real connection to him after just emailing back and forth a few times. And we share the same favorite restaurant.

I am trying to not get my hopes up. Well, too much. I mean, I want to still look forard to dating and I want to think of it as fun. And assume that things will work out. Versus taking a very strange and bizarre turn.

So, yay!

dating eharmony

Why can't I have a normal mother?

So, after work today, I went to Macy's to look for a new suit for work. I usually wear a white coat but sometimes it's nice to shed that and wear a suit jacket and pants or skirt combo.

Anyways...my mom calls me. Which is rarely a good thing. The problem is I try to respond or comment. If I just shut the hell up, it would be ok. Or not answering the phone would work just as well, I guess.

Mom: What are you up to?
Me: I'm shopping for a suit.
Mom: Are you at Sak's? Because they have nice Calvin Klein suits.
Me: I don't like how Calvin Klein pants fit me. They are either just right in the waist and too tight in the thighs or too loose in the waist and just right in the thighs.
Mom: Well, you can always pin the waist. [I think to myself: "I am going spend an obscene amount of money for a suit so that I can wear a safety pin"]
Me: But pinning ruins the line of the pants.
Mom: Why don't you take them to a tailor? [I think to myself: "I am going to spend an obscene amount of money for a suit that doesn't fit so I can take it to a tailor"]
Me: I'd really rather just buy pants that fit me. I found a great kind at the Express, of all places, that are fantastic.
Mom: Maybe you could just lose weight and then the Calvin Kleins would fit your thighs.

First, what in the hell is it about buying something made by Calvin Klein?
Second, what is so wrong about the concept of buying something that, I don't know, fits?
Third, why does she always tell me I need to lose weight?
Fourth, why am I even writing about this? Why am I surprised? Shouldn't I expect this by now?

I am so glad I live a few states away from her.

mishegos mishpocha

Saturday

I have lived here for a little over a year, and I just managed to find a store that stocks many varieties of Recanati, my favorite Israeli wine. I randomly wandered into a liquor store in a Jewish neighborhood (killing time before Shabbat services last night), and I was so excited I bought six bottles. Fortunately, they gave me a box to transport the wine. I was so worried the box would tip over, and the bottles would shatter on the drive home after services. All I managed to do was spill some Diet Coke on them. So, woohoo! I have lots of Recanati wine in my house.

I booked my tickets to Cabo San Lucas this past week. I decided I wanted a peaceful, all inclusive trip that involved nothing but sitting on the beach. I'm a sucker for simplicity, I guess. I used my frequent flyer miles (I love my credit card) to upgrade to first class for the flight. I love living where I am because I can pretty much use the same airline to fly everywhere, the airport isn't too much of a headache (although with recent news, I'm not sure I'll be able to walk by any of the men's restrooms there without laughing), most flights are direct, and the airline has an awesome frequent flyer program. I honestly can't remember the last time I flew coach. I am getting very spoiled because now the thought of flying coach, of having to stand in line with everyone, of being squeezed into my seat just horrifies me. Anyways, I booked a seven day trip to Cabo (leave on a Saturday, return on Friday). I also bought six new bikinis (I loooooove end of summer clearance), one new pair of flip flops (remember when we used to call these "thongs"), and six bottles of sunscreen. I am so set.

One of the things that prevented me from taking a trip last winter was Jack. I just didn't have a cat sitter whom I trusted enough to be responsible enough. I've cat-sat twice for one of my partners; this involves going over twice a day each day to give her a pill. Her son (who is 12, so really SHE) will be Jack's cat sitter. I'm leaving for a short trip in October to visit C. So, that will be a short time. And then they'll watch him while I'm in Cabo. Her son is a huge animal lover, and apparently was beyond excited a few weeks ago when he found out he would be watching Jack. He is so excited in fact that my partner doesn't think he will be able to wait until October to meet Jack. They are going to swing by this weekend to meet Jack. I keep warning her son that my cat is not exactly a "people person." Jack is very independent, and I am his only person. He doesn't like other people. He'll play and interact with me, but he really doesn't like other people. I hope her son isn't too disappointed.

There is no word yet as to whether or not my friend and her husband will be charged. They were able to have a memorial service this past week. I suspect they will be at least charged with negligence or something like that. The whole thing is just awful, and it has been so very hard to get it out of my mind.

After my stunning success at gardening this year, I have been planning what I'll do next year. I even have a little notebook full of sketches of my yard and the communal gardens. For some reason, there was a huge booksale by the coffee shop at work: I bought three gardening guides (including one written specifically for my state) on final clearance yesterday. After going to the gym, I am going to come home and start flipping through them.

cabo gardening hoi polloi recanati travel wine

How will my garden grow?

I am waiting for my iPod to charge up before going to the gym. I (and I realize this sounds crazy) started to sketch out next year's garden. I actually think I can execute this plan, and in the spring I can fine tune it based on which perennials regrow and how they look. Basically, I can learn from this year's mistakes and successes. Although it sounds elaborate, I know I can clear out alot of rock from the area around my house which came with some hydrangeas, hostas, and burberry bushes; the planting areas were then filled in with small rocks.

I plan on clearing the rock from a side area near my front door and will then turn it into a perennial garden. A tree in the front yard also has rock around it which I'll clear and plant shasta daisies. Then, in back where I've done some planting, I'll clear the rock, see what regrows, and then plant a combination of perennials and annuals. Then I'll attack my three plots in the communal park; I assume, with the housing market the way it is, that we won't get any new neighbors and I can keep my current plots. I'm going to plan more perennial flowering plants and then some annuals like snapdragons and rose moss which have done well this summer.

I am really excited about this little plan I've hatched. I didn't realize how satisfying I would find gardening.

gardening